The December, 2011 issue of the Compass is now available as a PDF download: Click to download The Compass, December 2011
Additional excerpts from the Compass appear below.
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
- Thoughts of Dating by Matthew Connell
- Man Versus Himself by Danielle H
-The Power of Prayer by Janet Berkowitz. Also poem by Janet.
Peace of Mind, Peace in Love: Thoughts on Mental Health and Dating
By Matthew Connell
September, 2011
About four years ago I had had my last crazy bipolar relationship disaster. I was diagnosed in 2000 and got serious about my illness in 2007. As of this writing I am 34 years old. This means that from the age of 16, when I began dating, to the age of 30, all my intimate relationships happened within the context of untreated bipolar disorder. After awhile the pattern became pretty obvious: cycles of intense passion all winding down into a pit of depression, ambiguity, anger and confusion. In the following article I’m going to share a bit of my experience, the steps I’ve taken to interrupt this cycle and the goals I have for my future. My premise is this: Taking the time to care for ourselves, to build mental wellness, will lead us naturally into more loving relationships, to greater success in love.
After I began to stabilize on my meds I noticed something very odd: the feeling of stability. It was entirely new to me. I had had periods in my life when I was better or worse, but I was never stable. I was always shifting from one pole to the other, always in transit. I began to have whole days and weeks when I felt normal, when I acted pretty much like everyone else. It was weird!
Here’s my first point: I was stabilizing because I was faithfully taking the right meds. Neurology is the bottom line. My pituitary gland does not secrete appropriate levels of serotonin, the chemical that helps my brain regulate mood (see Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients & Families, Dr. Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D.; John Hopkins Press). Finding the right meds takes time and is a very annoying and sometimes upsetting process, but the fruit of the labor is sweet when the right match is found!
So life began to change for me. I was gaining mental health and all of my world –my ideas, my memories and my present relationships – were open for reevaluation. But I was doing it all on my own. Well, now it was me and my meds, but reconstructing a whole life is kind of a big project for one person! And it was in this time I got into trouble. I fell in love. But from the beginning of this relationship I knew that I wasn’t ready, it was happening too soon. I was in recovery but was not yet well. That relationship ended nearly four years ago. I’m okay now, but wasn’t for a very long time. Really not okay.
This brings me to my next point: I got a therapist I trusted and faithfully saw her every week for over a year. I needed to rewrite my script. Years of untreated bipolar disorder had really distorted my view on, well, on almost everything. I needed a major mental overhaul and the stability provided to me by my meds gave me a place to start. I deliberately engaged in a process of self-examination from a place of non-judgment. This was also a new approach. Before I had sought therapy because I was depressed (I never went when I was manic) and I hated myself. The meds gave me the objectivity to begin to observe myself without all that depressed criticism.
Non-judgmental self study reveals our patterns of being and gives us the information we need to change. I began to realize how I was playing out my childhood relationship dramas with the people in my present adult world. I began to “see myself coming,” and began to find the time to make new choices. Slowly, new habits of relating and loving began to emerge. I discovered that there was a lot of good love in me and I began to invest it into all my non-romantic relationships. All of those relationships have radically improved. I am close with my people and my people are close to me. This was not always the case. Through many years of untreated bipolar disorder I had created a lot of social wreckage and, near the end, was extremely isolated. Good news, friends! Many relationships can be fixed, far more than I once ever thought possible.
This brings me to my last point: I have learned new, more loving ways to communicate with myself and with others. I was recently watching a documentary on renowned feminist Gloria Steinem. She offered up a very simple statement that goes right to the heart of loving relationships (pun totally intended). She said, “Love is not about power.” Friends, I don’t want to be right, the winner or on top of the heap. I want to be loving and to receive love from others. These days I do my very best to put love first in all my communications. If I’m buying shoes, talking myself out a bad place mentally, having a disagreement with my ex-wife, or tutoring my son in guitar, I want to do so lovingly. It’s not easy…but it gets easier with practice! I am aware of my tone, my body language and I am honest with myself and others about my feelings. Honest like a child, without shame or explanation for my feelings, just saying it like it feels. And I have learned when to retreat. Not all disagreements must be resolved in the moment!
Now, I look into the future. I have agreed with myself to remain single until summer 2012; roughly, five years without dating in total. I needed time to really understand myself, learn to live healthfully as a person with bipolar disorder, change my patterns and change my mind. I thought yesterday how fast that summer seems to be approaching (when once I thought it would never come!). But I’m okay. I’m not ready now, but I will be then. Personal growth and change are real things. When the day comes for me to turn my eyes outward once more into the world of intimate relationships, I’m going to have a lot more confidence than I ever had before. I’m going to keep taking my meds, see my therapist as needed, objectively evaluate myself without judgment, and do my best to put love first in my communications.
And I’m going to keep this in mind too: Love is a human challenge, just like mental illness. Being human means struggling with the head and the heart, and everybody feels that challenge, everybody.
May we all have peace and love.
MAN VERSUS HIMSELF
by Danielle H
September, 2011
Humans are an interesting species. 90% of our communication is supposed to be non-verbal. We say actions speak louder than words. All I want is a card for my birthday honey…. You don’t need to get me anything special. What a bunch of rubbish. What we remember the most is the final word said. Names actually hurt me despite the old rhyme. And, if I don’t get flowers for Valentine’s Day, I tend to feel lower than dirt—despite my boyfriend’s best efforts (we’ve been together for seven years). I can be that sensitive sometimes.
Animals communicate non-verbally like old pros. We could last another million years and still never catch up. The problem is our brains get in the way. That is where the mental illness resides, to some degree anyway. People, I believe, go by something called a gut feeling. I have difficulty recognizing that feeling. It is stronger than a hunch, yet not so strong to beat out Bipolar, Schizoaffective, a personality disorder or anything else the DSM wants to throw at us.
Case in point. When someone looks at me, I can get paranoid and think they can read my thoughts. Or that they know what ‘evil’ I’ve done. Apparently, I lack trust and confidence sometimes. These two characteristics are vital to strong communication. What do people lack with mental illness—especially when the condition is going untreated? That’s right – trust and confidence. Trust that the other person won’t betray them, when they say they need help. Trust that said person won’t treat them like a leper when you tell them you self-harm. And, the confidence to know when to speak up about your problems or to wait until a better time.
Relationships are even trickier for us… at least for me they are. For months I can be having the time of my life with my boyfriend Mike. I tell him what’s going on with me. He is the mirror image. He’s much older than me, but I’m old in spirit. We share common interests but like to do things apart. Yet, give us one minor argument and we can’t seem to handle it. Communication, you see, isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. Learning from the mistakes and turning them around.
If you can’t do that, communication will be a very hard thing for you to embrace. But even in that, is the knowledge that we all are human and while we can be great in many things, we can afford to be ‘lesser’ in others. And above all else, Keep It Simple. Communication isn’t rocket science. Thankfully.
As a side note, Mike has attended therapy sessions with me and we are actively working on improving our relationship.
Danielle H, from Chalfont, PA, takes classes at Penn State Abington with the goal of becoming a counselor. An artist, she attends an “open-art studio” in Doylestown (supplies are free as is advice of fellow artists) and paints in oils and other media. She also enjoys Al-Anon Meetings, programs for loved ones of alcohol abusers.
The Power of Prayer
by Janet Berkowitz
October, 2011
The power of prayer! They call it that for a reason. It works…like a wonderful and mysterious charm. It certainly did for me.
From 2007 to early 2011, I had been dangerously depressed on and off, mostly on. All day and night long I would hear the endless, racing droning of the word ‘suicide’ in my head. This had occurred quite a number of times before, starting at age 8, when I was brutally teased. But it hadn’t ever lasted for more than a year. I never really wanted to actually do it. I had come to love life as an adult. I just wanted to stop the pain. Besides, I was terrified of what lay on the “other side” of death. Since 1984, when I found A Course in Miracles, which teaches that only love is real, I came to believe that death isn’t real. I feared being only a sickened mind floating around, possibly facing reincarnation as a fly.
This last bout of depression was the worst. I came closer to attempting suicide than ever before. When therapists asked why, there was no obvious answer. They chalked it up to Bipolar Disorder, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and Borderline Personality Disorder. They dug into my past and my relationship with my parents. They tweaked my medications repeatedly (since 1980 I’ve been on about 75% of the psyche drugs available). I voluntarily hospitalized myself many times (three times in a fourteen month period in 2008-09) and received 25 shock treatments over a six month period (2008-09). This didn’t help much, or did help only temporarily. I had tried multiple forms of natural and spiritual healing like acupuncture, reiki, and affirmations. I turned to fortune tellers, astrologers, and modalities whose names I can’t even recall. I had done the daily lessons in A Course in Miracles at least twice and even lived in community dedicated to its teachings. It’s not easy being suicidal when you view the body as an illusion (a primary message of ‘the Course’).
I was living in such constant terror that my doctor wanted to commit me to a state hospital. I feared spending the rest of my life in straight jacket, locked in a padded cell. I lied to get out of that situation. I never felt so alone, even with many loving people around me.
Then, in 2010, I started hearing another voice in my head that kept saying, “Don’t be a victim. Do something to address the issue of suicide. Use your talents to heal the problem”. It was similar to the voice in Field of Dreams. My voice said, “Build it and they will come.” I am an artist, mime and drama teacher and I knew that I could bring all of that to the mental health field, which desperately needs some lightening up. I called all over the country, but could not find anything for those who were suicidal, only groups for those who lost someone to suicide. I tried starting my own group online, but to no avail.
Finally, I discovered Suicide Anonymous, founded by a psychiatrist, who’d attempted suicide 7 times, before he began to pray to a Higher Power (the term for God used in Alcoholics Anonymous). As he applied the 12 Steps of A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) to his life, he healed. I was very familiar with the 12 Steps myself, having gotten clean and sober in 1987 with the help of A.A. and other 12 Step groups.
So I started a Suicide Anonymous meeting in Philadelphia. Then I started one in Westampton, New Jersey with my husband, who’d made a suicide attempt once himself. Then we started another Suicide Anonymous meeting at The Starting Point in Westmont, NJ. This has been such a safe haven in which to share my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. He and I also created a workshop called, Creative Crisis Care: Taking Suicide Out of The Closet, which uses the arts and interactive exercises to approach the topic.
All of this was helping my mental health but I kept falling back into periods of extreme fear. Then one night I rolled out of bed and called out to God, “Please help me”. The next morning I felt the slightest bit better. I kept experimenting with this practice of prayer, which was relatively new in my life. One morning I awoke feeling so happy to be alive. For several months now, I’ve been really working on the first three steps of the 12 Steps, which are about establishing a constant contact with my understanding of a Higher Power.
There are infinite ways to reach a Higher Power and infinite concepts of what a Higher Power is. Sometimes for fun, I imagine myself sitting in an old diner, talking to this imaginary chef. He’s this big guy with a scraggly beard, whom I named GUS (God in Us) and he gives me spiritual advice.
For now a simple daily diet of prayer is what keeps me afloat. I recently recalled a visit to a mental hospital in 1987 for suicidal depression. I awoke every morning at 3:20 am on the dot, but was not allowed to leave the room or turn on the lights. The only thing I could think of doing was to get on my knees and pray. I’d ask God to heal me so I could help others with similar issues. Here I am, 25 years later, answering my own prayers. Now that’s the power of prayer!
If you’re interested in more information about Suicide Anonymous or her workshops and performances (she does mime pieces about mental health issues among other relevant topics, some of which appear on her Facebook page) call 856-266-0709. To find out more about Janet’s work, please visit her website at:http://www.creativecommunicationbuilders.com and her Facebook page at: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Creative-Communication-Builders/190663990966459
FACE OF GOD
By Janet Berkowitz
You are the face of God and you don’t even know it,
Or maybe you do but choose not to show it.
You are as holy as the sun is bright.
You give the world your magnificent light.
Even if it’s under a bushel,
It still shines ‘cause it’s so crucial.
And your part in this incredible whole,
Is just as needed to heal the world’s soul.
If you could just get it that one plus one is one,
I guarantee you’d have more fun.
Be like the ocean, ever moving.
Keep your heart big and grooving.
Know that I am always here,
Ready to soak up every joy and tear.
Leap to the sky with all your might.
Feel my love holding you ever so tight.
Love, God